Category: New Republic Description: This story is from Luke Skywalker's point of view. It is a very emotional story, and not for the faint of heart, but it explores his emotions at a time when he is forced to make a decision he does not want to make. (Warning: it contains hints at some past and severe violence.) Email: tbjrobbie@prodigy.net Disclaimer: all the characters in Star Wars are owned by George Lucas. I don't mean to infringe on anyone's rights. This story is not written for profit, just for fun. I'm not being paid or anything, I just wrote it to enjoy myself. I don't mean to infringe on anyone's rights; this is just fan-fiction. Author's Note: Some people may not like the way Mara is portrayed in this story, but please bear with me. All I can say is that a lot happened to her, enough that it could finally change her into someone she was not. By the way, there is a bit of "Vision of the Future" spoilers in here... but not too much. Robin Roberts June 1999 Preface: This story is written shortly after Luke has escaped from being held and tortured by Emperor Palpatine (the beginning of which is described in "The Sacrifices We Make" and "Destiny's Child"). While there, he was tortured severely, and after a very long time, the unthinkable happened. Luke Skywalker began to crack. He almost broke completely, through managed to hang on. Though I won't go into it here, he had a very good reason. (If I ever finish it, check for the story "Betrayal.") But he didn't know what had happened six onths before he escaped. He didn't know that Palpatine had captured Mara. The Hardest Choice to Make I knelt by her side. Mara, my beloved Mara, lay bleeding and unconscious, her body broken and nearly destroyed from what Palpatine had done to her. Mara, my love, I am so sorry; what has happened has been my fault. If I had only done something, this would have never happened to you... Leia whispered to me, "Do we wake her?" "No," I replied. My sister nodded, while Han and Chewie remained silent behind her. They were all waiting for my move, and the responsibility crashed down on me - I was emotionally far too unstable for this. But then again, so was Mara; we could heal together. I took a deep breath, felt it rattle in my chest, pain consuming my lungs. Carefully, I lifted my wife into my arms, cradling her as one might hold a child. Agony burned through my shoulders and arms, and Han looked at me, surely thinking I was crazy. "Are you sure you want to...?" he asked, knowing the pain I was in. "Yes," I whispered, but more agony pierced my shields, and I bit back a cry of pain. I knew Mara did not fear me, but I knew not how she'd react to another... This had to be me. I stood slowly, knowing absolute pain but still fighting it. I closed my eyes for a moment, gathering the strength I knew I didn't have, and spoke. "Let's go." Again, the fiery pain, but I controlled it. As Leia led the way, I forced my legs to follow. Once I got to the _Falcon_ I could rest, but rest seemed far away then. What seemed like hours were only minutes, what seemed like minutes were surely seconds... yet time dragged on. We finally reached the _Falcon,_ and by then, I felt ready to collapse. I knew I should have healed myself - at least a little - before I'd come here, but I couldn't bear the thought of Mara staying in Palpatine's hands one moment longer than I already had. If only I had known... I don't believe that I hadn't realized what was happening to her! I'd gotten so caught up in my own pain that I hadn't known, I hadn't been able to tell, I hadn't done anything... Mara, I am so sorry. When you wake up, I'll say these words that I know you need to hear, and from there, we can both heal. I set her down gently on the bunk, and seated myself by her side, heedless to what the others were doing elsewhere in the ship. Nothing mattered but Mara. I closed my eyes, slipping deeper into the Force, again touching the only thing that had kept me alive all these years - and still, it did. But this time I did not reach into it for myself. I would heal Mara before myself, for I had known pain for so long now that more hours did not matter. Dizziness swept into me, and suddenly I felt myself fall to the floor. Pain shot through me, but I sensed Mara jerk awake. And I sensed her fear. I moved quickly back to sitting on the bed, barely acknowledging my own pain. "It's okay, Mara," I whispered, taking her hand in mine. "It's okay. I won't hurt you." But all the while, I was praying silently to myself, to the Force, and to anything or anyone that would listen: please let her believe me. Please let her believe me. "Luke?" she whispered, and I heard the fear in her voice, along with the disbelief. If I had any temper left, I'd have been furious with Palpatine for what he'd done to her. "Yeah," I replied quickly, but tears welled up in her eyes anyway. Skies, she was so afraid... Damn Palpatine! "It's all right," I told her, then gently pulled her into my arms, knowing she needed it. It was the first and only time I've ever known Mara to sob. Normally stubborn, strong Mara sobbed like a child in my arms, her thin and abused body shaking weakly. "Shhh..." I soothed, holding her a little tighter. "No one can hurt you now." She tensed in terror and in pain; my heart leapt into my throat, for somehow I knew and dreaded her next words. "Where am I?" Mara asked quietly, fearfully. "You're on the _Falcon,_" I replied. "You're safe." "No!" she gasped, pulling back, making pain rip through my shoulders as she did so. I let her go; she was trembling in fear, and I would not hurt her further. I'd all ready failed to do enough. "I won't hurt you, Mara," I repeated, praying, hoping, and needing for her to believe me - but knowing she couldn't. Maybe I was wrong. She nodded quietly, and I realized that she did not fear me. She only feared all that Palpatine had done to her. Only. I could not bear to see her like this... Mara's fear was increasing rapidly, so I took a chance and, again, pulled her carefully into my arms, ignoring the pain as she clung to me. Mara needed me right now. She was still crying, but she surprised me by speaking softly. "I didn't... want to leave," she said quickly. "What?" I gasped. No, she couldn't be saying that! He could _not_ have done that much to her! She could not be that broken. "He'll hurt me," she whispered, trembling uncontrollably. "No he won't," I said firmly. "I'm not going to let him." Damn him! How could he do this to her? And I knew he'd enjoyed it. Damn Sidious Palpatine, for what he did to Mara. I bit back my temper as my wife spoke again. Anger could only frighten her more. "He will," she whimpered. Skies, I'd never seen her like this! I'd never imagined that Mara could break this far, become so afraid... "I'll protect you, Mara," I said quickly, trying to reassure her in any way possible, because she needed it so much. And at that point, there was no way that Palpatine could have defeated me to get to her. I could and would have defeated him easily, because Mara was the only thing that mattered. She shook her head violently against my chest, sobbing again. "No," she whispered. "He'll do it anyway." For one of the first times in my life, I felt entirely lost. She couldn't mean... No! She couldn't want to go back there. There was no way I could do that. I couldn't rescue her to give her back, to let her be subjected to that again! "No he won't," I replied frantically, but I knew the words were empty. "I don't want to leave," Mara sobbed, and my heart hit the rock bottom of whatever abyss it rested in. "Mara, you don't want to go back there," I pleaded. "No!" she gasped, as frightened at the prospect of returning as she was of staying away. I sagged with relief. Thank the Force... "It'll be all right, sweetheart," I reassured her. But she sobbed harder. "No," she whispered weakly. "He'll... hurt me..." "No he won't." I was adamant about that. There was _no_ way Palpatine was getting anywhere near her. He was not ever going to see Mara again, not if I had anything to say about it. "It hurts," she whimpered. "I know," I whispered. "Let me heal you." I dropped into the Force, knowing how hard it would be for me, but I didn't care. Mara was all that mattered to me now. "No..." she whispered. "What?" I asked. What was wrong with her? Why didn't she want me to heal her? "No," she repeated, and I heard the despair in her voice "Mara, it's okay," I said. "Let me stop the pain." She shook her head. "It hurts..." "Let me heal you then," I responded, not knowing why I had such a terrible feeling... "I don't want to..." Mara trailed off. "Don't want to what?" I asked, dread filling my stomach. "I don't want... to live," she whispered. She startled me so badly that I let go of her, and she fell back against the bunk. She could not have said... Oh, please, skies no. No! Not Mara. No... she could _not_ want to die. She didn't say that. She didn't say that! "No, Mara," I pleaded, taking her hand once more. "Don't say that." I could not believe the defeated look on her face. Not stubborn, proud Mara. This was not her. This could not be happening. "It hurts," she sobbed. "I know, sweetheart, but I can stop that," I said quickly. Please, please let her come to her senses. "No..." "Please, Mara," I whispered. "Please let me heal you." "No..." she repeated. "I... just want it to stop," she sobbed. I felt tears welling up in my eyes, but I fought them back. "Then let me help you," I implored. Inside I was nearly panicking. She couldn't want to die... I couldn't bear loosing her. "I don't want to live," she said again, and my tears spilled over. I looked helplessly over my shoulder at Leia, who had been there for some time, but my sister just looked back at me, as confused and lost as I was. "Mara, please, you've got to live," I pleaded. "Please don't let go." I was panicking now. Again, I looked at Leia, but her expression mirrored my own - frightened and without hope. "He won't let me," she said quietly, and I knew then that she'd tried before. I knew then how little she cared for life, and how she just wanted to die. "Please fight this," I whispered, not knowing what else to say or do, but knowing that I had to say something. "I don't want to," she replied. I didn't know what to say; I didn't know what to do... All I knew was that loosing her had suddenly become such a real and frightening possibility, and that I'd die if she did. "Please don't die Mara," I begged. "I need you." "I don't want to live!" she sobbed, jerking her hand away from mine. My tears came harder. "Please, Mara..." She was silent. I was lost. "Please no," I pleaded. "I love you." She was so quiet then, almost too quiet... But I felt a shred of hope, and I dared to hope that she might change her mind, that somehow I'd convinced her not to die. "Please kill me," she whispered. I blinked. "What?" I asked, my voice and body shaking. No... No! She didn't say that. She didn't ask that. She couldn't... "Kill me," Mara repeated. "No!" I gasped. "I can't do that." My voice cracked. Tears were blurring my vision; I was shaking my head. "I can't do that," I repeated. "I want to die," she pleaded. "No..." I whispered, never having felt so helpless in my life. I loved her - I'd do anything for her, but that... No! I couldn't even bear the thought. I couldn't do that. I loved her too much. "But I want to die," she sobbed. I was speechless - I had no arguments left. But I couldn't do that. There was no way I could do that. I couldn't do that... There was no way I could control my tears now, and I wasn't trying. "Please do it," she begged. "Mara, I can't!" I sobbed. "I don't want to live," Mara repeated. "Please don't ask me to do that," I pleaded. I tried to take her hand again, but she pulled away, and I felt my heart breaking. "No!" she said. "I want to die." "Please no, Mara." I knew she was hurt, and I knew she was frightened, but there _had to be some other way._ She didn't have to die! There had to be something to make her want to live! "Just kill me," she whispered, and I knew it was too late for anything to make her want to live. "Please don't ask me that," I repeated, sobbing. "Please..." I closed my eyes, and I felt my heart break. I knew I would do anything for her. "Please, no, Mara," I pleaded again. "I want... to die," she said once more. I opened my eyes and swallowed, looking at her beautiful face one last time. I closed my eyes again as I nodded, trembling. "Okay," I whispered. My voice cracked again. "If you want me to... I will." I was barely choking my sobs back. I looked at Mara again as she nodded, not believing what I was about to do. But I would do anything for her. I took her hand one last time and closed my eyes, calling upon the Force to do what I would never have chosen to do. And I sensed her spirit leave her, but I felt no gratitude or peace. All I felt was pain and fear, as I felt my own racking sobs envelop me. Leia moved forward to try to comfort me, but I pushed her away. "Leave me alone!" I sobbed, and as she left I pulled my knees up to my chest and dropped my head upon them. I could not believe that Mara was dead, and I already missed her so much... And I had killed her.